I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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