dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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