i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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