I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize