normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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