lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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