I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
