I cannot find my penis.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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