I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
