i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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