He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
