Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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