woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
