I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
