Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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