My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
