omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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