I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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