In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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