It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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