im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
