I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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