this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
