I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
