I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
