Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
