His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
