At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
