There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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