i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
