Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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