Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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