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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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