Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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