Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
