my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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