I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
