Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
