I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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