Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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