also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
