Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
