My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
