I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my shit smells like andre
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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