Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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