Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
