Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
