If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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