oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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