so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
