This girl is more easily done than said...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
