he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
