woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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