People in love make me want to vomit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's blow job season.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
