Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
