Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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