I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
