Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
