fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
