I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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